Dear Friends:

In these troubled times of war and aggression it is good to think very seriously about the sources of our religious faith, as for example:

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

He called everyone “brother.”
He liked gospel music.
He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

He went into His Father’s business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all is that Jesus was a woman:

S/he fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
S/he kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
And even when S/he was dead, S/he had to get up because there was more work to do.

“There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.”

Mark Twain

“What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.”

Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive.”

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her by they didn’t get to find radios because they were already taken. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”

“Force yourself,” she replied.

Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

A clear conscious is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that there’s 1 who enjoys it?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If it’s true that we are help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, “Yikes, this water’s cold.”
Drop a marble and say, “Oh God! My glass eye!”
Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, “Now, how did that get in there?”

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

75 Easy Ways To Say No

I’d love to, but…

I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.

It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

I’m being deported.

My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.

It’s too close to the turn of the century.

My subconscious says no.
I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
The last time I went, I never came back.

My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.

I’m trying to be less popular.

Dear Friends: In these troubled times of war and aggression it is good to think very seriously about the sources of our religious faith, as for example: There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: He called everyone “brother.” He liked gospel music. He couldn’t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: He went into His Father’s business. He lived at home until he was 33. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: He talked with his hands. He had wine with every meal. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: He never cut his hair. He walked around barefoot all the time. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: He never got married. He was always telling stories. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all is that Jesus was a woman: S/he fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food. S/he kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it. And even when S/he was dead, S/he had to get up because there was more work to do. “There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.” Mark Twain “What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.” Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995) A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.” What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive.” Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.” Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her by they didn’t get to find radios because they were already taken. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied. Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.” A clear conscious is usually the sign of a bad memory. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that there’s 1 who enjoys it? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If it’s true that we are help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Happiness is merely the remission of pain. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?” Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.” Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. Say, “Yikes, this water’s cold.” Drop a marble and say, “Oh God! My glass eye!” Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.” Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly. Say, “Now, how did that get in there?” Always whisper the names of diseases. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 75 Easy Ways To Say No I’d love to, but… I’ve dedicated my life to linguini. It’s my parakeet’s bowling night. I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. I’m attending the opening of my garage door. I’m being deported. My plot to take over the world is thickening. I have to fulfill my potential. It’s too close to the turn of the century. My subconscious says no. I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. The last time I went, I never came back. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others. I’m trying to be less popular.